Cas, darling.
Oh, Madge. Madge.
Darling, what's the matter?
Madge.
What is it, sweetie?
Never let me out of your sight again, please.
Darling, of course not.
And never, never, never mention New York to me again
as long as I live.
Never. Never, never!
FERRIS: And in the third place,
I have just about reached the end of my patience.
This happens to be my home,
as little as a stranger might suspect it,
and it is intolerable that I should be continually called on
to defend myself against
an apparently endless series of irresponsible and vulgar accusations.
And now, I'm afraid I must ask you to leave.
But, Grandpa...
And if I hear one more word
about that blasted pig bank,
I'll be down those stairs like a ton of brick
and flatten that Meccano set of yours.
Did you hear that?
Why, Junior, what's the matter?
He...
Oh, nothing, Aunt Madge.
Nothing, really.
Don't you think we ought to wait for a more propitious moment?
If he's already angry...
He's always angry since we put him on an allowance.
Come along.
Seems to me if he's already upset...
You're not afraid of him, are you?
Of course not.
You needn't be.
It's just bluff, all that grizzly-bear stuff.
He really loves us very much. All of us.
FERRIS: I do not.
May we come in?
No.
Cas wants to talk to you, Dad.
Oh, hello, Cas.
Hiya, J.J.
Go on in.
Yes, but not you. I know.
I'll be downstairs.
Don't look so solemn. It's just a formality. That's all.
(GRUNTS)
What a revolting female she is, to be sure.
Sit down, Cas.
No, no, no. Over here.
(CHUCKLES)
Yes. Now, what can I do for you?
Well...
I've missed our little talks.
They were bright spots in my life,
but ever since you came back from New York...
Yes, I know.
Well, it's quite all right, Cas.
I, uh, I've not been entirely blind to this
little deadfall she's set for you.
But I've never lost confidence in you, my boy.
You're much too intelligent, much too shrewd,
to be taken in by that dreary female.
Well, perhaps I better make my position clear, J.J.,
before you say anything else.
But of course, Cas. By all means.
Well, you've known me, you've known my family for a good many years.
Yes.
We've never been well-to-do, or anything like that,
but we've always maintained a certain respectability.
Proud but poor, I suppose you might describe us.
Well, of course, why not?
If the poor can get any satisfaction out of being proud, why not?
It costs nothing.
As for my financial situation,
my salary as professor of literature
at the university isn't munificent,
but it's adequate.
I believe my prospects for promotion are good.
Well, that's splendid, Cas, but I...
As for my character,
(CHUCKLES)
I believe I behave reasonably.
I'm not overly susceptible to girls.
So what? The point of this whole thing seems to have eluded me somewhere.
Well, I'm simply trying to tell you that I want to marry her.
Marry? Whom?
Marry Madge, of course.
Madge? Are you out of your mind?
I am not.
But whatever on earth for?
Because I love her, of course.
Love Madge? Oh, come now, Cas.
That's just downright silly.
You must have some better reason than that.
No young man in his right mind would...
What is it? Her money?
Now, just a minute, J.J...
Because if it is, you might just as well forget the whole matter.
I had precisely the same idea 25 years ago with her mother.
I haven't the slightest interest in Madge's money.
My income is quite enough.
Oh, they've got it, all right.
Scads of it. Buckets of it.
By george, I've dreamed about that dough.
Just to get my mitts into that cash box for 10 minutes.
That's all I need. Ten minutes.
But no, they turned me down cold,
and I'll never forgive them, Cas. Never.
You know what I think?
I think you got exactly what you deserved.
For being a shameless, unmitigated scoundrel.
I suppose so.
But it was a bitter disappointment just the same.
Mrs. Ferris has already been kind enough to give her approval...
Then I used to dream about outliving her.
Just sit it out, as it were.
Well, along came Madge and then her sister
and now that odious child.
It's no use, Cas. I tell you, they're eternal. All of them.
They'll still be here, squatting on that gold
when you and I are dust in our graves.
Listen, J.J.
Yes or no? Just for the record.
No.
My conscience would never give me a moment's peace
if I allowed myself to be a party to
any such feminine skullduggery.
I like you much too much to see you sharing my fate.
Trapped in this duck press,
remembered only for such sociological purposes
as may be necessary, and no dough out of it, either!
(EXCLAIMS)
Great Scott!
Don't any of these tightwads around here
ever give this poor child a quarter?
What's the matter? Why don't you go on with it?
Mrs. Ferris wants it here.
Oh, no, darling, not at all.
It belongs over there, of course.
But I... I don't think so, Mother, really.
Over there would be much better, I'm sure.
Come on.
We'll move it back later.
Where's the sucker?
Oh, John. I do wish you wouldn't refer to him in that way.
Supposing someone heard. What would they think?
Where's the sucker?
He's at home, I suppose.
Rehearsal isn't until 12:00. He'll be here.
(SINGING)
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Who is it?
Hiya, Pop.
Hey, you still got time to crush out of this booby-trap, you know.
There's a fast train leaving out of here for Chicago, 1:00.
You can be across the border and into Canada.
No use, J.J. This is the day before my wedding.
And I refuse to be demoralized
by a cold-blooded, old sinner like you
so whatever you got to say, you're just wasting your breath.
They cut my allowance again today.
Down to $25.
Good.
The shape of things to come, my boy.
Oh, rot. Where else could you get $25 a week
just by sitting around developing stomach ulcers?
Great Scott, man!
On the honeymoon, before she called those lawyers in on me,
I frequently paid as much for a copy of The Saturday Evening Post.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Come in.
Good morning, Mr. Ferris. Good morning.
(SINGING)
Isn't he the happy one, though?
Yes, under a democracy, Mrs. Smith,
every individual enjoys the right and privilege
of being as much of an imbecile as he pleases.
Thank goodness for that, Mr. Ferris.
It's a wonderful government we have here in America
and that's the truth.
Yes. Just ads, it looks like.
My blue suit, remember.
Be back tonight.
See you in church.
Yes.
Thunderation!
Now this is going just a bit too far.
What is?
Are you planning already to have a family?
Would you object to minding your own business for just a few minutes?
This is my business!
How many grandchildren he has is every man's business.
And if you're negotiating already with a maternity hospital...
What?
Let's see that.
Some men say they can't have too many grandchildren.
But I'm one that can.
Don't you know an ad when you see one?
Ad?
They've got a nerve.
Soliciting a man's business before he's even married.
Sounds unethical to me.
"Dear Mr. Brown..."
(MUMBLES)
Well, this is rather a sinister method of solicitation.
"Dear Mr. Brown,
"a matter of personal importance
"and one which I would rather not be obliged to take up in correspondence,
"unless you prefer it."
I... I was involved in a little blackmail accident at one time.
Letter sounded exactly like this.
"I suggest that at your earliest convenience,
"certainly not later than the end of the week,
"you call up the hospital and consult with me.
"Cordially yours, Martha Zernerke, M.D."
Let me see that.
Have you been in or around Chicago recently?
No.
Not...
Not Chicago.
Now, will you get ready, please? Everybody.
That's right.
Never mind that now.
Even if it was a mistake, how did they get your address?
I don't know anything about it.
You didn't write to them, asking prices or anything like that?
No, of course not.
They're waiting for you, Mr. Ferris.
Who? Madge and Mrs. Ferris, out front.
Not for me. My nose is perfectly clean.
I told them from the beginning...
Go, will you, and find out what they want.
Very well,
but they're not going to suck me in on this clambake.
No, indeed.
Now look, Cas.
Don't you think you're taking this too seriously?
At the real ceremony, okay.
But today, what is it?
(CHUCKLING) Just testing the gallows.
Fill up the gap. Fill up the gap.
Now, keep in step.
Splendid. Splendid.
(ORGAN PLAYING)
Keep in step.
Do you know anything about
the Ellen Harris Maternity Hospital in Chicago?
Please, Father.
Don't rush, bride. Keep in step.
Straighten up, groom. Mustn't sag.
Snap it up, will you.
Fill up the gap. Come along, Madge. No, no, not too fast.
Well, I think everything is about ready, Doctor.
Splendid. Splendid.
Now, may we have it quiet, please?
What about the "Q"?
"Q?"
Yes, if it was a mistake,
how'd they get your middle initial?
Father. What?
Rehearsal.
But nobody was saying anything.
Is he all right?
I heard that.
Quiet, please. Please.
Someday somebody's going to say that just once too often.
MRS. FERRIS: John, dear.
(MOANS)
Cas, what is it?
I'm sorry, I don't feel very well.
Cas, darling, I... No, please.
Excuse me for a few minutes.
Suppose somebody asked you if you were out of your mind.
How would you feel?
And how would you prove you weren't?
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
FERRIS: Cas.
(BANGING)
Jumping Jupiter! Where's the light?
I'm sorry. I didn't know it was getting so late.
Well, that's quite all right.
Listen, Cas, if that letter's a mistake,
we're in a very pretty position to knock off a little quick dough.
They can't run around scaring the pants off young bridegrooms
with letters like that.
Suppose Madge had got a hold of it? Now, my idea is this.
The first thing tomorrow morning,
I'll nip down to the public library and get a hold of a law book,
just to see what kind of charges we can slap on them.
And then I'll pop up to Chicago and drop in on this female sawbones.
Of course, I don't think it'd be quite smart
to tell her outright that I'm a lawyer.
Something might snap back at me.
But if I lay it on the line with a certain legal air. You know?
Why not?
Because it may not be a mistake.
But, of course it...
What did you say?
I said it may not be a mistake.
What... What gives, Cas?
I don't know. I can't find out.
I tried to call her on the phone long distance,
but the number's been temporarily disconnected.
Called whom?
I just don't know what to do.
Now, if I may suggest,
if you fail to touch a base somewhere,
I'm not without a measure of experience along
(CLEARING THROAT) certain lines.
No, no, no, nothing like that.
It's worse.
Huh?
J.J.?
Yes?
I am in a very...
A very strange situation.
Yes, I should judge so.
Perhaps a very serious situation.
Oh, I hope not.
Now, listen.
Can I trust you to keep your mouth shut about this thing?
At least just for the present?
(CHUCKLING) Well, of course, Cas.
Trouble is, I don't know. I just can't be sure.
Yes, yes.
I mean, why Chicago?
I don't know. Why?
If it had been New York...
Yes?
But Chicago.
If you don't mind my saying so, Cas.
I don't seem to have anything to keep my mouth shut on.
Well, look,
last year I wrote a book about that scandalous ancestor of mine
called Casanova in Spain.
I wrote it because I wanted to prove to the world
that I had something to look forward to beside a schoolteacher's future.
Well, Cas, don't you think that we can skip
the high-minded aspects of this situation
and get strictly down to the nubbin?
Well, so I...
I took the manuscript to New York.
And while I was there I met a girl.
Well, now we're getting somewhere.
Isabel.
Isabel, eh?
What was she like?
Well, have you ever seen the sun come up at dawn?
I have. It nauseated me.
I liked the way she walked,
the way she held her head
and her eyes...
Her eyes were like burned, charred embers in a field of snow.
Big face, eh?
Little girl, almost childlike.
We met...
(STAMMERING) Well, what was the score at this point?
Well, I took her back to school one night in a taxi.
Thunderation, is this a schoolgirl?
No, college. Barnard.
Mmm.
She didn't want to get out,
so we drove on into the country.
Yeah?
On and on.
Then almost before we realized it...
And so, by the authority vested in me
by the laws of the state,
I pronounce you, Casanova, and you, Isabel, man and wife.
Kiss the bride.
No, kiss her good.
How did you meet him? Who introduced you?
Nobody. We just met
at the library.
We asked for the same book at the same time
and then we got to talking.
Talking.
Uh, what does he do?
He's an author, Dad.
Like Mr. Louis Bromfield?
Oh, well, not exactly.
See, they didn't accept Cas's book.
Oh, but it's wonderful, Mother.
All about his ancestor, Casanova.
Casanova?
Is this an Italian fellow?
A historical character, Father.
Rather fast.
Oh.
But, Mother, he's nothing like that, believe me.
Oh, he's kind and he's gentle.
What good is all this?
Just meeting him and talking to him will tell you everything.
Why I fell in love with him. Why I married him.
Wait, just a minute, I'll get him.
No.
Not yet.
(BELL RINGS)
At moments like this when the way is not clear,
let us not forget that there is one place
where we can always find the answer.
In the stars.
Oh, Mother!
You're not going to drag that stuff in again.
Oh, Dad.
Now, now, now, dear. Mother knows best.
And the stars know better still.
(SIGHS)
Mr. Brown?
Yes?
Would you be good enough to tell me your birthday?
Why, April the 8th, 1907.
Thank you, sir.
You wouldn't remember the exact hour, I suppose, sir?
No, I'm sorry. Thank you, sir.
Say... Yes, sir?
Have you an ashtray?
No, sir. I'm sorry. There aren't any.
Mrs. Drury doesn't approve of smoking.
Oh.
April the 8th. Here we are.
(SIGHS)
Oh, dear!
Oh, dear, dear, dear!
Oh...
Oh, you poor child.
Oh, you poor, poor, child.
Oh.
Oh, dear.
Well, there's nothing to be gained
by keeping these facts from him.
Invite him in, dear.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
Cas, dear.
Are they sore?
No, but just be careful, will you?
Of what, dear?
Everything. I can't explain now, but just be very careful.
Will you?
Well, I'll try, of course...
All right, Cas, please do.
Mother, I want you to meet...
We apologize, Mr. Brown.
But I know you'll appreciate our agitation under the circumstances.
Of course, Mrs. Drury, and I...
This is Mr. Drury.
How do you do, sir? How do you do?
And when I tell you how distressed I am, I do so want you to understand
that there's nothing personal about it.
Well, I hope not, naturally...
Mr. Brown, this whole project is fraught with disaster.
I beg your pardon?
But let us not waste time in idle speculation.
Let us go straight to the stars for our facts.
I hold in my hands the Word.
Won't you sit down, Mr. Casanova?
Do.
Thank you.
Do you realize, Mr. Brown,
where Sagittarius was on the day of this marriage?
No, I'm afraid, I don't.
I meant, Brown.
On September 3rd,
Sagittarius was in the fifth solar house of Neptune.
Oh, really?
I don't suppose that had ever occurred to you.
No, I can't say that it had.
But... Please.
Allow me to continue.
On that same day...
Listen closely.
Capricorn was adverse, Virgo was discordant,
Scorpio was retrograde, and Taurus,
due to the Uranus-Gemini trine,
Taurus was in sextile aspect of Venus.
In short, catastrophe.
But that's... That's astrology.
Of course. How else would we know how to govern our lives?
Do you smoke?
No, no thank you.
Oh, no, no. That, sample someone handed me.
If there's anything I object to,
it's a young man who's allowed himself to fall victim to the cigarette.
Oh, absolutely, so do I.
Or a liar.
To me, a liar is even lower than a cigarette fiend.
There's no question about that at all.
Well, now, let us turn to your birthday.
Excuse me, Mrs. Drury.
Yes?
Do you mean that you would base
your approval or disapproval of your daughter's marriage on that nonsense?
Nonsense, Mr. Brown?
Couldn't possibly have picked a worse word.
You don't believe in astrology, I take it?
No, I don't believe in astrology,
I don't believe in crystal gazing,
and I don't believe in beer suds reading.
And I must say that if I did,
I would hesitate to impose that belief on the lives of two people
who love each other.
What Cas means, Mother, is...
Even though the marriage of those two people spelled calamity?
What kind of calamity?
There's no likelihood of any kind of calamity rising out of this marriage,
Capricorn or no Capricorn.
I say, Mr. Brown, but are you on fire?
What?
Seems to be burning something in his pocket.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Can't understand it. Handkerchief catching on fire.
ISABEL: Oh, careful, dear.
Hmm.
Lots of things.
All sorts of things.
I'll just... There.
Please understand, Mrs. Drury, I didn't mean to seem dogmatic.
(EXCLAIMS)
Coat's on fire, too.
Well, how do you like... Hey!
Must have burned right on through.
Oh, is it ruined?
Funniest thing I ever heard of.
Burned right on through the pocket.
ISABEL: Oh, I can fix it, I'm sure.
No, no. I'll just...
I'll just...
Well, what I meant, Mrs. Drury,
is that it is rank superstition to assume
that any chance juxtaposition of stars could...
Well, I must say... Charles!
This is the most embarrassing thing.
Some water. Charles!
Charles! Charles! Charles!
CHARLES: Coming, sir.
Here, take this thing away.
Oh, good gracious! Careful, now.
Better run, but don't fall.
I'm sorry. I'm very sorry. Really.
(THUDDING)
Charles!
Charles?
Let me.
Charles? Charles?
Is he dead?
Impossible.
His horoscope doesn't indicate death for 10 years yet.
Get me some water. Water?
Yes, that's right. Water. Water.
Water! Water! Water!
What are you doing that for?
It got down into the stuffing.
What has? The fire.
What did you have in your pocket, Roman candles?
I don't know. I can't understand it.
MRS. DRURY: Water, please!
(MUMBLING)
Oh, he didn't mean to do it.
I know he didn't mean to.
Call the fire department.
Fire department!
No, Father, no! Telephone them.
Oh, yes, telephone the fire department.
Telephone.
Fire department. Telephone.
Just a minute! Dash it all,
at this rate you'll have the whole blasted house down.
Watch out!
Look out!
You're just a horror, Mr. Casanova.
That's what you are.
I mean, Mr. Brown.
What's going on in here?
Help! Help!
Somebody do something. Oh, this is ridiculous.
Help! Help!
(SIRENS WAILING)
All I did, Mr. Drury, was put a little piece of cigarette butt,
all squeezed out, in my right-hand overcoat pocket.
It was no longer than this, I tell you,
when I squeezed it in my handkerchief.
Don't you come near me!
Stop.
Mr. Drury, Mrs. Drury, I find myself
in an extremely awkward position.
You certainly do, if I'm any judge of awkward positions.
I know I...
I know I owe you both a real, genuine, sincere apology.
That's good. That's very good.
He burns down a $750,000 house and he apologizes.
That's very good indeed.
Get away from here. But, Mr. Drury...
Get away and stay away. Isabel, come away from that infidel.
Look, Mrs. Drury... Don't you come near me.
I would as soon associate with a time bomb.
But, Mrs. Drury, it's a terrible thing, I know,
but don't you understand an accident.
One little bit of cigarette.
Accident? You call it an accident
with Sagittarius in the fifth solar house of Neptune?
Sagittarius, my eye! That's downright idiotic.
Cas, please.
Let the infidel continue, Isabel.
Listen, Mrs. Drury.
It's all right with me if you want to interpret your life
through fingernail parings, but that's got nothing to do with me.
Or with me and Isabel. Let's get that straight here and now.
You leave Isabel out of your calculations, Mr. Brown.
This is the end of that. Mother, stop it.
I will not see her fly twice in the face of astral warnings.
Astral warnings? What is this, the 13th century?
What have I married into, voodoo worshipers?
Cas, you can't talk to my mother like that.
Well, then tell her to shut up about those stars.
With Sagittarius in... Listen,
you ignorant, old crackpot.
(GASPS)
I burned that house down, not Sagittarius.
Oh, Cas, I won't have this.
Sagittarius had nothing to do with it. It was me.
I burned that house down personally.
(SOBBING) Oh, Mother, what shall I do?
Sagittarius didn't even know anything about it.
If I had a gun...
Would you like mine, sir?
What? Oh...
Well, point it at him.
Now, will you go?
You bet. Isabel? Never.
You coming? Shoot him.
Shoot him? You coming, Isabel?
Shoot him straight through the heart.
Very well. When you make up your mind,
you'll find me at the hotel.
Shoot him, I tell you, before he gets too far.
I can't, sir. It isn't loaded.
And that's all.
That was the end.
Yes.
In other words, correct me if I err,
the ceremony tomorrow night
will have a slight odor of bigamy about it.
No, no. They got it annulled last December.
She hadn't her parents' consent.
There's a legal notice here somewhere.
The reason I never said anything was because...
Well, it all happened so fast that,
well, I never had a chance to break the engagement with Madge.
Well, this is what we call a very droll situation.
Fatherhood on the wedding eve.
And yet,
is it?
Isn't it?
Let's sit down and discuss this again more calmly.
Yes.
In the first place, Isabel's home is in New York.
Was in New York.
They could rebuild, couldn't they?
So why Chicago?
They've got plenty of hospitals in New York.
Lots of them.
Why would a New York girl have to go to Chicago to have a baby?
Second, why this air of mystery?
If Isabel's going to have a baby, there's no reason on earth
why they shouldn't just write and say so in so many words.
They wouldn't have to hint and wink and stall around like this.
And in the third place,
actually, there's nothing said about a baby in this letter.
It's not even an intimation. Read it again.
That's right.
So the truth of the matter is
we've been working ourselves into a fever over nothing.
This is exactly what I said it was in the first place,
an advertising letter, cunningly worded to arouse the curiosity.
What they call a "teaser."
In a few days, I'll be getting the follow-up,
describing the accommodations and quoting prices.
And that will be the end of it.
You believe that?
Don't you?
No.
Neither do I.
Well, so far, they haven't called the constabulary in.
What are you going to do about it?
Go to Chicago.
Are you nuts?
I can catch the midnight,
be there tomorrow morning and fly back in the afternoon.
But this is a chump idea, nobody has anything on you.
I've got to find out about this thing, and if it's true,
I'm going to make a clean breast of the whole thing to Madge.
I don't want any secret like that between us.
And if there's some mistake, well...
(TRAIN APPROACHING)
Now, look, will you promise me one thing?
What is it? Don't go crashing in there yelling,
"I'm the papa."
You understand? I'm not.
Chicago's a big city. A lot of activity.
And if there's been a misdeal somewhere,
you don't want to be left holding the spare card, do you?
I understand. Yes.
From the moment you step into that hospital, walk on eggs.
No matter what anybody says, "No speak the English."
You weren't even there that night.
You were in the YMCA in Cleveland.
I know. Yes.
And above all things, don't sign anything.
I won't. PORTER: Board!
Well, good luck.
(TRAIN STARTING)
Wasn't that Cas Brown?
Where? On that train.
Impossible.
Are you crazy?
I know Cas Brown when I see him.
I am far from pleased, madam, with this constant harping
on the question of my sanity.
(CLEARS THROAT)
My name is Brown.
Oh, you want Miss Petherbridge.
Thank you.
Miss Petherbridge?
My name is Brown.
Oh, you want Miss Gillespie.
Miss Gillespie? Yes?
My name is Brown. Oh, you want Miss Crampton.
She'll be back in just a moment.
Excuse me.
You want Miss Phillips.
Did you want something?
My name is Brown.
You wait right in there, and we'll call you just as soon as we hear.
I'm looking for Dr. Martha Zernerke.
I know. I know. You just wait in there,
and we'll notify you the minute there's any news.
And don't worry, she's getting along splendidly.
Everything is going to be perfectly all right.
This is a maternity hospital, brother.
If they had nine watches, they wouldn't tell a father what time it was.
So you might as well do what she says.
This your first?
Yes.
How long you been married?
Oh, I'm not married.
Mr. Brown?
Will you come with me, please?
Non-union. Yeah.
You go with him.
I wanted to see Dr. Zernerke, you understand.
Yes, I understand, just go with him.
Thank you.
609.
611.
613. Here we are.
All right, get your clothes off.
Hey...
Here put this on.
Hey, just a minute!
There must be some mistake.
I came here to see Dr. Martha Zernerke.
I know it. Get your clothes off.
Now, look... Get on here and lie down.
Hadn't you better call the office about this?
What for?
You're 613, ain't you?
Well, I suppose so, but...
Well, hop on, mister, we're late now.
You're just nervous, that's all.
What are they going to do to me?
(CHUCKLING) That's a medical secret.
(CLICKING TONGUE)
She's doing nicely, and the baby's a fine boy.
Oh, thanks. Golly, thanks.
Wait until Ripley hears about this.
(MUFFLED MUMBLING)
Ninety-nine, ninety-nine, ninety...
Ninety-nine, ninety-nine, ninety-nine.
This is a maternity hospital, isn't it?
Oh, exclusively.
Any tuberculosis in your family?
No.
Fits?
No.
Insanity?
No, not yet.
That's all. You can put your coat on now.
Nothing else?
What's the matter? Haven't you had enough?
Just routine, huh?
We always keep a complete medical record.
Any particular reason?
Just reference. Future reference.
Just reference? That's all?
That's all and thank you very much.
You're in excellent physical condition.
Well, that's great, gee. That takes a big load off my mind, too.
(CHUCKLING) You have nothing to fear.
Well, I...
Mr. Brown, isn't it? Yes.
I'm Dr. Zernerke.
Oh, how do you do, Doctor?
Mr. Brown's report.
Oh.
Mmm-hmm.
Very good.
Very good, indeed.
Excellent, Mr. Brown.
Oh, I'm glad you like it.
When is the wedding? Wedding tonight.
Oh, yes, I'm catching the 3:00 plane back.
You mean, you knew about my getting married?
Well, naturally.
I see. Oh, I see.
Oh, well, that's what you meant by future reference.
We like to have it on file, you know, just in case.
Oh, of course. Well, that's a great idea. Very practical.
And if anything happens you've already got all the information.
Exactly.
Well, that's wonderful. I approve of that 100%.
And if there's anything else, Doctor,
please don't hesitate to call me.
Why, of course.
Any time, the day or night.
Well, I hardly know what else there could be.
And you, too, Miss Clark. Just any time at all.
You really don't know how happy I am about this whole thing.
But don't you want to take a look at the baby?
Baby?
Oh, you must. She's such a little love.
Come along.
Even the nurses have fallen in love with her, she's so cute.
And healthy.
You ought to see the way she goes for her dinner.
You wait here.
(BABIES CRYING)
Yours?
(CHUCKLES)
Yeah.
Like her?
Oh, she's fine.
But, say, how do you say she compares
with... with... with others of her age and weight?
Oh, perfectly normal.
Oh, just normal, huh?
A bit better, perhaps.
Well, I know this sounds rather foolish,
but she has all of her arms and legs
and fingers and toes, I suppose?
Nothing missing, I mean.
A full set.
The customary number and variety.
Isn't that wonderful?
Wonderful, but not particularly astonishing.
Have you seen her mother?
Who?
Her mother.
Miss Drury.
Oh, is she here, too?
Well, she has been, oddly enough.
She's leaving either today or tomorrow.
Shall I see if she's still here?
Please.
623, please.
Hello, Miss Drury.
Mr. Brown is here.
Yes, all right. I'll tell him.
She says will you come down to the solarium.
It's the first corridor and then to the right.
Didn't it strike you...
I don't say this just because she's my child, either.
But didn't it strike you that her head seemed to be a little bit better shaped
than is usual at such an early age?
Oh, there's no question about it.
And it'll be a very lucky family that gets that child.
Which way? First corridor to the right.
Thank you.
I beg your pardon.
Yes?
What did you mean by the family that gets that child?
I mean the family that gets it for adoption.
Adoption? What adoption?
Why, I thought you understood.
Miss Drury has registered the child for adoption.
That's why we needed your medical record.
Who had that fool idea?
Well, I'd hardly describe it as a fool idea.
Our adoption society has accomplished a great deal of good
by providing comfortable homes.
You mean to tell me you're peddling my daughter around to some lazy idiot
who hasn't got a family?
Miss Drury's title to the child is clear and legal.
We've already checked into that.
Well, what about the father? What's he supposed to do?
Just stand around and dig his toe in the ground?
Really, Mr. Brown, these are matters you must take up with Miss Drury.
If you'll excuse me.
Certainly.
Thank you.
Gee, you look good.
Thank you, Cas.
You're looking quite well yourself.
You're all right?
Well, yes.
No complications?
No, isn't it wonderful?
I was so scared. I suppose everybody is for the first one.
But everything went right along according to schedule.
Knock on wood.
I'm so glad.
Did you see the baby?
Did I?
Oh.
Yes.
I'm awfully sorry to bother you with all this,
but if it hadn't been for all that silly red tape, I...
Say, what's the idea of giving my baby away?
Your baby?
Isn't it?
Technically, yes.
All right, then. What's the idea of giving my technical baby away?
If you're going to raise your voice, Cas,
I'm afraid I'll have to go back to my room.
I'm not raising my voice. I just want to know what's the idea.
If you're going to shout...
I'm not shouting, I...
I'm sorry.
I'm excited, that's all.
But what is the idea?
I'm afraid you forget, Cas, that I'm under no obligation to account to you.
That's over.
What I choose to do with my baby is my own affair.
Not yours.
Well, that's a fine attitude.
However,
suppose you were getting married again.
Suppose this marriage meant the chance of a lifetime
for complete and wonderful happiness.
What are you talking about?
Suppose this man idolized you,
even as you loved him,
actually looked upon you with reverence.
Ahead lay the promise of perfect bliss and peace.
Would you take the chance of destroying this whole future
by suddenly presenting to him another man's child?
Great Scott, are you planning to get married again?
I said "suppose."
That's ridiculous. You can't marry anybody.
And why can't I?
Because you're a mother.
Well, that's not stopping you.
What are you talking about? I'm not a mother.
You're a father and you're getting married again.
Who told you that?
I read it in the paper.
What paper?
The Rossmore paper. That's what paper.
How did you get a hold of a Rossmore paper?
What difference does it make?
It's true, isn't it?
Yes, but I...
I know all about it.
You're getting married tonight.
But that's different. Oh, is it?
Then how would you like to go to Madge tonight and say,
"Look, darling, I've got a little surprise for you."
And then flash your baby?
Well, of course...
All right, that's the way it is with me.
You don't want your happiness spoiled, neither do I.
You just can't do it, that's all.
You just can't throw that baby away.
And you can't marry that creep you've dug up.
She'll be happy, Cas.
Happy, with utter strangers?
Oh, well, everybody's a stranger to a newborn baby.
Don't you understand? She doesn't know anybody.
She knows us, all right.
That's absurd.
Why didn't you write to me?
You knew I loved you.
You knew that there was no one else in the world for me.
No matter how nutty your mother was.
How was I to know, after the way you left?
That fire was an accident, darling, believe me.
I waited and waited.
Nothing, not a word.
I waited until...
Till it seemed foolish to wait any longer.
So far as I could see, you'd just forgotten.
Forgotten? I've never forgotten.
Don't, Cas, please.
It's true, darling.
You've never left my thoughts for one single day.
I tried to drive you out, again and again and again,
but I couldn't do it.
I can't forget you.
Please, Cas, you're in love with someone else.
Me? Who?
You're engaged to be married.
That's right, by george.
Holy mackerel!
Why did you wait so long?
Look, Isabel, before I get out of here,
you've got to do something about that baby.
Excuse me.
2:00, Isabel.
Wait just a minute. Please.
If you don't mind.
What will I do? He still loves me.
(SCOFFS)
He still smokes, too.
Did you see Miss Drury?
Yes, I did, thanks.
That's good, I'm glad.
I'll tell you a little secret
that ought to make you feel a lot better.
The couple that's coming over to look at the child are quite well-to-do.
She'll have literally every care and comfort.
Oh.
They're coming to look her over.
Well, they want to see her, of course.
What will they do if they don't like her, throw her back?
They'll like her, all right.
I can promise you that.
She's a beautiful child.
Oh.
(ALL CHATTERING)
(CRYING)
What's he gonna do?
Taking him away from here. Taking him home.
Excuse me, please. Excuse me, I got to go.
Please, Doc.
No, no.
Will you have her back soon, Doctor?
Oh, yes. The mother is going to get a hydropolytechtomy.
That's too bad.
It's not unusual in septivenous cases.
Hygienic son of a gun, isn't he?
In other words, you never had the slightest intention
of releasing the child for adoption?
No, I'm afraid not.
You see, I simply couldn't go to him directly.
I understand, Miss Drury.
But I can hardly pretend to approve.
Changes of heart often happen, that's only to be expected.
But the deliberate use of the society
in a scheme to inveigle the father's interest...
But I just had to know.
Don't you see?
Well, it's done now.
I don't suppose it's caused any actual harm.
Let's hope for the baby's sake that it hasn't been in vain.
Thank you so much.
As a matter of fact, don't you think it might make a very appealing picture,
if you were to walk out to him with the baby in your arms.
(BABY CRYING)
Homework, I suppose.
(LAUGHS)
I hope she's awake.
I'll go and get her.
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello? Yes?
Chicago? Yes, he's here.
Chicago calling you.
Oh.
Hello?
Yes, speaking.
Who?
Oh, Cas. Well, how are you, my boy?
J.J., listen.
I find myself in an extremely awkward position.
Uh-huh.
Mmm-hmm.
Well, well, well.
I can see that you are not exaggerating your quandary.
Well, how do you like that?
No kidding! Well, then what did she do?
Listen. Now, what I want you to do is this, J.J.
Yes?
Well, of course, my boy.
Leave it entirely to me and rest assured that I'll handle it
with all the tact and delicacy of a crooked diplomat.
Goodbye.
Oh, and my love to the little one.
(SIGHS)
That was Cas.
Well?
Huh?
Oh, he says he can't make it tonight.
Can't make it?
No, he...
Tied up. He ran into an old friend.
Two, in fact.
One old and one new.
What do you say we all catch a movie tonight?
(KNOCKING)
Mr. Brown?
CASANOVA: Come in.
What's the matter?
I don't know. I wish I did.
Did something happen?
Well, at 3:00 this morning,
she belched.
Well, that's fine, isn't it, for babies?
Under the circumstances, I'm not so sure.
Anyway, I took her up and weighed her.
She gained an ounce and a fraction since the 10:00 feeding.
No kidding!
And then she threw up.
Oh, well, that was it, then. Too full.
No, wait a minute.
After she threw up, I weighed her again.
She still had that ounce and a fraction.
Can you beat it?
Monica, there's only one explanation to such growth.
What's that?
Glands.
Already?
If her thyroids backfiring, anything can happen.
Too much of that juice and you're a giant.
Not enough and you're a midget.
Maybe it's the other way around.
One or the other.
Look, Mr. Brown, if you're really so worried,
why don't you call in a doctor?
No, no. Not yet.
If it gets any worse,
if she really begins to spread out in a big way,
then I'll do something about it.
Meanwhile, I'm gonna watch it very closely.
For one thing, instead of just weighing her five times a day,
I think I'd better check it every hour.
What about the formula?
I don't know what we can do about it.
We can't get it without them finding out where I am
and I can't have that.
Anyway, I got some new stuff yesterday, Pablum Wablum.
It's kind to baby's stomach, it says on the box.
Will you want me?
If you can arrange it, I'll be scrubbed up in about an hour.
I'll be back.
Don't you worry, my darling.
No matter what happens, I don't care how big you get.
Daddy's always gonna be with you,
(SNIFFLING)
and Daddy's always going to love you.
WOMAN: Hotel Windsor.
What about the goat milk?
I'm still trying.
Goat? Goat milk.
Oh, you can't do that, you know. Do what?
It's strictly against the rules, goats.
I don't want a goat.
Ruin a hotel, absolutely.
I have no intention of getting a goat.
You have no idea how they smell up a place.
Eat the silk, butt old people around.
Oh, I couldn't possibly let you do that.
All right, I'll forget it.
Then you'll be a lot better off, believe me. Thanks.
Oh, why don't you get yourself some goldfish, no trouble at all,
and they die overnight.
(DOOR SHUTS)
All quiet?
Still sleeping.
You didn't go near her, did you, Frank?
No, I chased a fly past her,
but I breathed through my nose.
Germs, you know. Yeah.
No matter how clean we think we are, we all carry germs.
Yeah, I know. Every week I read about it
in the Sunday magazine section.
Scratch all night.
What'd he say about the scales?
Absolutely accurate,
I watched when he tested them.
I simply can't understand it.
She looks all right, don't you think?
She looks just wonderful to me.
What's the matter, is something wrong?
She gained a pound.
Is that bad?
A pound in one week?
Do you realize that's 52 pounds a year?
Well, I like big women.
But not that big.
At that rate, she'll be about 12 feet high and 4 feet square.
It's the formula. We still haven't hit it, Monica.
We've got to find something a little bit weaker.
We've got to slow her down.
You feed her much?
No, only when she cries.
What about the one on Page 16?
Oh, that one was dynamite,
you can see her grow with that one.
Why don't you... Why don't you put a little gin in it?
Gin?
Well, that's the way they say they make jockeys,
put a little gin in their Wheaties.
Monica, suppose you try the hospital?
Which one?
The Ellen Harris Hospital, where she was born.
But don't tell them that.
Why? Don't they know it?
Never mind why, don't tell them anything.
(BABY CRIES)
Operator, get me State 4567.
What'll I ask?
Ask for Dr. Zernerke, Martha Zernerke.
And ask her what the dickens you feed a 4-weeks-old baby.
Ellen Harris Hospital? Dr. Zernerke, please.
Answer no questions, understand?
Yes, sir.
Dr. Zernerke? What do you feed a 4-weeks-old baby?
I'm sorry, but I couldn't possibly prescribe
a formula for a baby I didn't know.
Especially over the phone.
Who is this speaking?
Hello? Hello?
I'm sorry.
Well, I must say, he's the most peculiar young man.
As you know, these reports on the baby's health
have been coming in at the rate of two or three a day.
And if they're to be believed, you have no serious reason
for concern on that score.
May I see those?
Certainly.
Oh, he won't let anything happen to her, I know that.
But I want my baby.
Of course you do.
And I want to kill him.
You really think we need to go that far?
Well, we can certainly put him in jail, can't we?
That goes quite without saying.
The only question remaining is for how long?
Forever.
Jail forever. Check.
All ready, Mr. Brown.
Nipples?
Pablum Wablum?
MONICA: Which one do you think you'll use?
Well, let's see,
Tuesday we used the one on Page 16, with the barley sugar,
but I don't think she cared for that.
She kept it.
Well, then we switched to 18 with the sugar and milk.
Then we took a shot at 22, with Vitro.
What I think we better do today is combine he whole business
on a base of Pablum Wablum and lace it with milk.
Here.
Thanks.
We're bound to hit it sooner or later, you know.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Who is it?
FRANK: It's me, Mr. Brown, Frank.
Oh, come in.
I got it.
Got what?
The formula, what Monica said you was after.
(STAMMERING) Did you tell...
No, sir, I never told them a thing.
They didn't ask you? Sure they asked me.
The minute they heard your name,
right away, that's the first thing
they wanted to know, where was you.
They recognized the name?
Recognize it?
Boy, what did you do to that hospital?
You didn't tell them where I was, did you?
What do you take me for, a chump?
I never told them nothing.
Not even your number?
Well, what number?
Your phone number.
Well, what would they want with my phone number?
I didn't call them, I went right over to them in person.
(STAMMERING) You went to the hospital?
Why not?
In that uniform?
Sure, the hotel don't care.
Well, what's the matter? What'd I do now?
Look at your pockets, you dummy.
What's wrong with my pocket? There's a...
Holy jumping Jupiter.
How do you like that?
Oh, listen, Mr. Brown...
Please let me think.
Do you think they'll come for her?
You bet they'll come for her.
Then why don't you get out of here and go somewhere else?
With what? I don't even know how I'm gonna pay my bill here,
much less move.
What will they do with her?
Do with her?
They're gonna give her away.
People are gonna drop around and look her over like picking out a secondhand car.
If they like her, they take her.
If not, back she goes into stock.
That's what they're gonna do with her.
But how can they if you're the father?
Being a father is not enough,
you've got to be a mother, too.
If that ain't murder.
A man's not capable of taking care of a child, not according to the courts.
He can build bridges, he can fly around the world,
he can be president and run the whole United States,
but taking care of a child is too much for him!
For that, you've got to be a woman. Any woman.
But don't you worry, my darling,
we'll see if we're licked yet.
You mean, if you married again, you could keep her?
That's right.
Monica?
Yes, sir?
I...
I find myself in an extremely awkward position.
Yes, sir.
Are you married?
Me?
Are you engaged?
No, not definitely.
Well, what I'm going to say may come to you as somewhat of a surprise.
How's that, Mr. Brown?
Will you marry me?
Do what?
Marry me.
When? Now.
Are you kidding?
How do you like that? Go on.
Go on?
Well, what about me?
You? Oh.
Oh, uh...
Well, it must be obvious that I'd never make such a proposal
involving my whole life and happiness
and the whole life and happiness of my daughter,
if I hadn't...
If I hadn't fallen under the spell of your warmth
and your attractiveness,
and...
And?
And beauty.
(SIGHS)
Well, you're cute, I'll say that for you.
Will you?
What do you think?
Why not? He's better than anything you figured to get.
All right, I accept.
Okay, get out of that stuff and let's go.
Frank, I want you to wait right here. Yes, sir.
Don't answer the telephone and don't let anybody in. Understand?
Yes, sir. Nobody.
We'll be back in half an hour. All right.
Oh, what a chump.
(PHONE RINGING)
Yeah?
Yeah, well, you better step on it
'cause he's getting ready to go out now.
Oh, how do you like that?
Fireproof, I imagine.
Come on, hurry up, will you?
Oh, I can't use that elevator, Mr. Brown.
That is, not until after the ceremony.
PORTER: Down?
No, thanks.
This way, Mr. Brown.
Hotel Windsor. Just a moment please.
Mr. Casanova Brown.
622.
Must be a party.
Very shrewd move.
Not at all.
You would've done it yourself, I'm sure, if it had occurred to you.
WOMAN: Hotel Windsor. Just a moment please.
Look, Monica, I'm going to ask you a very delicate question.
Sir?
Would you mind very much if we took the baby along with us?
You don't think it'll look sort of peculiar?
Oh, I'll explain it to 'em.
(CLANKING)
Sorry. That's quite all right.
It's so crowded.
Who does your mother think I am, Frank Buck?
How can I bring him back alive if he doesn't want to come?
Father.
He wrote you all about it, which is more than I would have done,
so what else is there to discuss?
Truth of the matter is, no man born of woman is really safe
as long as he can draw one feeble, faltering breath.
Father, please.
Get the bottle, I'll feed her in the cab.
Check.
16.
617.
618.
619.
620.
621.
Ah, 622.
Cas?
Who?
Mr. Brown, Mr. Casanova Brown.
Out.
Where?
Walking!
What do you say we pull this conversation
down about three notches, unless you're deaf.
Where's the baby?
She's out with him.
Then what are you doing with that bottle?
I just... I'm just trying it.
With a nipple, at your age?
You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
We'll wait.
Oh, naturally.
Where is Mrs. Drury?
Oh, she isn't here.
That much I'd worked out for myself.
Why isn't she here?
Doesn't she like to be in it, the finals?
Father, please.
Just to clear up any possible misunderstanding,
my interest is in the baby. Not the father.
Still telling fortunes?
I beg your pardon.
Sagittarius, Jupiter, Pluto, all that rot.
Oh, no, no more of that.
Sobered up, eh?
Oh, she's quite settled down now.
She's in politics.
Nothing upsets a man like a wife tearing around town
with straws in her hair.
Well, she lost faith when the baby came.
It was supposed to be a boy.
Yeah, they can't never tell.
That predetermination of sex
still baffles science.
It says so on the Sunday magazine section.
Hadn't you better nip along with that ice water for 1032?
What ice water?
1032 didn't call for no ice water.
Well, then, haven't you any other duties to attend to?
I... I think I'm supposed to stay here till he gets back.
Back, from where?
City Hall.
City Hall? What on earth is he doing at City Hall?
Getting married.
Again?
FRANK: Maybe I ain't supposed to tell you that, though.
Is this the same fellow that was marrying all the rest of them?
He's in a nuptial rut.
Is this some sort of joke?
Not by me, ma'am.
Who made bingo this time?
FRANK: He married a Miss Monica Case of Cicero, I believe.
It's one of them whirlwind romances.
(CHUCKLES)
He never made a move without consulting you,
is the way I believe you described it.
(DOOR OPENS AND SLAMS)
(THUNDER RUMBLES)
Thank you.
We want to get married.
Now, you take me. I'm simply crazy about money.
Not just a little money. Lots of money.
All I can lay my hands on.
I like it.
But do you think for one second
that Mrs. Ferris understands or appreciates this taste?
(CHUCKLING)
Fun, isn't it?
Yes.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Come in.
Could I ask you gentlemen to step into the bedroom for a few minutes,
the maid would like to give this room
a little going over before Mr. Brown gets back.
Well... Very well.
She won't be a minute.
(VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRING)
Anybody see you?
No, they're in the bedroom.
Hey, where are you going?
The crib.
That's the hotel's. What have I got in the bedroom?
Some laundry and those white kimonos.
All right, try to get it if you can. I'll get them.
If you can't... I'll get them.
Leave that gown and things here.
Then take the rest of this stuff down the back elevator.
Make some kind of a bundle out of it,
and wait for me at the service entrance.
How long?
Look, I've got to feed this baby before I do anything else.
She hasn't had a bite to eat in two hours.
All right, darling, look, Daddy's cooling it off just as fast as he can.
Won't be long, just as soon as she feeds and belches.
All right, darling. Daddy understands.
(FERRIS LAUGHING)
Really this has turned into such a pleasant and charming afternoon.
I scarcely care when Cas gets back.
Would you like also to learn pinochle?
Here.
The maid would like to straighten up, ma'am.
(VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRING)
(BABY CRYING)
(BABY SUCKING)
(WHISPERING) She's out there now, by the window.
But I'm gonna telephone the room and ask for her.
That will get her out of the way.
Okay, thanks.
(BABY CRYING)
All right, all right, Daddy's doing the best he can.
After all, it's not Daddy's fault if this doggone old nipple...
There see, Daddy fixed it.
Didn't Daddy tell you he'd fix it?
Daddy fixed bad old nipple.
(DOOR OPENS)
Is she all right?
Why, of course she's all right.
Oh, Cas.
Oh, Cas, how she's grown!
Not too much, you think?
Oh, no, no, she's just perfect.
Oh, you blessed, blessed little angel.
Isn't she?
Don't touch her when she's feeding. Makes her nervous.
Oh.
She's very... Very high-strung.
Not too high-strung, is she?
No, no. Just... Just sensitive.
And she hasn't been sick at all?
Why, of course not.
She's had the very best of care and she's, she's...
What's that on her cheek?
Where?
Right there under her eye.
Oh, just a little heat rash. Nothing serious.
Gee, you know all about it, don't you?
Well, I've tried to keep abreast of the best authorities.
I've read all the books on the subject.
Quite concerned about her now, aren't you? All of a sudden.
What do you mean?
I hardly noticed such solicitude the last time we discussed her.
Oh, Cas.
How could I have been such a fool?
(SOBBING)
Please, darling.
I... I mean, Isabel.
Don't, honey.
I never meant to give her away, darling.
I might just as well try to give away my heart.
I couldn't live without her.
Well, why did you say so?
Because I was stupid, of course.
Because I wanted you to come running and stop it.
I wanted you to see her and want her and want me again.
That's why I went to Chicago,
so it would be easier for you to get there.
Good heavens!
Isn't it the truth?
But one little word. Just one little word. I...
I know.
I know now, now that it's too late.
(BABY MOANS)
Oh! Excuse me.
What do you do now?
Well, after feeding a baby of this age, you hold her like this,
supporting the small of the back with the left hand,
and then pat her gently. Like this.
Oh, let me, will you?
Well, I don't know. With those clothes.
Wait.
If she ever got to him...
I'll give him just one more hour.
If he's not here by then, I'm simply going to the movies.
That's it, right there.
Now pat.
Not too hard.
Oh, Mommy's so sorry.
Very gently. That's the ticket.
There. Mama didn't mean to hurt her blessed little angel.
A little higher.
Like that? There.
Oh, Cas.
Isn't she just a little dream?
Well, well, I've gotten quite used to her, of course.
Look, what did you mean by "now that it's too late."
Oh, that...
That man, the bell captain told us.
Told you what?
What you've... What you've done.
And I do want you to know, Cas, I do hope deeply and sincerely
that you'll be very happy.
Me?
Both of you, of course.
Both of who?
Didn't you...
Didn't you get married this afternoon?
This afternoon? No.
You mean you're not married at all? To anybody?
No, you can't get married like that in Chicago,
you have to wait three days.
Really?
No, I'm not married to anybody.
Are you?
Well.
Come closer, Cas, I can't see you.
Oh, I'm here, all right.
(BOTH GIGGLING)
Don't stop patting her.
Oh.
Oh, you sweet little thing.
What am I patting her for?
Oh, don't you know?
Well, after every feeding...
What? Wait.
I think she's about ready. Listen.
(BURPING)
Oh, Cas!
Isn't that wonderful?
Right after each feeding just as regular as clockwork.
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, darling.
I've got so much to learn.
Don't you worry. I'll...
I'll teach you, Mama.